Parenthood

More than 15 years ago, I attended a birthday party for a friend's daughter in Washington DC. The group was composed of mostly Indian families with small kids and a few Americans. I remember watching a young Indian mother running after her active toddler son, trying to get him to eat something. The curious child moved rapidly between the tables, attracted by everything around him, finding the task of eating too boring. The mother had not sampled the buffet lunch, was clearly exasperated and obviously quite hungry. But she stopped chasing the child only after he had eaten to her satisfaction. At the same time, the American toddlers were sitting around the tablet with bibs around their neck, bravely tackling the items on plate, sometimes with tiny plastic forks or with their chubby fingers. Their parents were enjoying the food on their own plates and rarely paid attention to what was happening at the toddler table. After a reasonable amount of time, the child indicated that he wanted to get off the high-chair to which he was confined and went off to play. The uneaten food was dumped into the bin.

This scene came to mind when I read about the furor created in Norway when two little kids of Indian parentage were taken into protective custody by the child welfare agency for parenting behaviors that were found "odd" (to put it mildly) in that culture. There seems to be some resolution after intervention by the President of India and the resulting decision to hand over the children to their Uncle.

Parenting is a universal activity that all the people in the world who choose to rear children do daily. Most of the time, parents do what they do, unconsciously. How they bring up their children is guided by personal choices, not as per prescribed textbooks. Like so many other things we learn in life, parenting is a learned skill. While most parents build upon what they saw in their own childhood (either to replicate or rebel against), they also negotiate the wishes of the spouse who may have a different view on the subject. Parents from the same culture and similar socio-economic class may perhaps make the same choices. But at every corner, there are sharp turns and divisive opinions that trouble the most peaceful families.

When the subject of bringing up a child in a different cultural environment (from the one you grew up in) comes up, there are even fewer pointers, hardly any role-models. Does culture influence parenting? Yes. How and where you grew up is a major factor in how you make your choices as a parent. Where are you living now features heavily while making decisions in the present specially when you are bringing up your child in a different country. But can we honestly say that all of us who grew up in the same culture would bring up our children the same way? No. Parenting is influenced by culture but is comprised of a series of individual decisions, unique choices, keeping in mind the needs of today's society and the demands that the future will make on the children of today.

We may debate the merits of junk food and TV watching but what we need to observe as parents is the impression that we make on young minds. Everything we do should be guided not just by blind love but an awareness of the imprint that our choices will leave. Will our children grow up to be caring and committed citizens of the world? Will they be able to imbibe the best of all cultures that they are exposed to? Will they become responsible parents and not dogmatic supporters of everything that they see in their immediate world? Since each of our actions are to be weighed in light of our own context and situation, quite often there are no right/wrong, black/white solutions. The proof of good parenting can only be determined if we follow the children into adulthood and when they in turn bring up the next generation. If we continue to live in civil society as responsible citizens that protect not just their progeny but look out for a sustainable world, I think we can consider ourselves to be on the right track. For the globalized village in which we live today, that would mean bringing together the good from all cultures and melding it into a way of life, not a court-documented recipe, for a harmonious world.