Doing and delegating

I remember when I was promoted in my first job to a level where I had one employee reporting to me. While it seemed like a major milestone, it was quite scary to be responsible for the work produced by another person. As I progressed in my career, I became more comfortable managing people but I was more distant from doing the work myself. Quite often I missed doing "real" work and would try to keep my skills intact by showing up in the lab, operating instruments, getting my hands dirty, in a manner of speaking. When I returned to India and started working, I had a driver, a maid and a cook to help with the household activities in order to ease my life. Once again, I distanced myself from doing things, by surrounding myself with helpers.

Today I lead a simplified life. A fairly self-sufficient life. I drive my car. I cook. I do have a maid who spends about an hour at my home for daily housework but I still tackle all the major cleaning and dusting myself. I like to cook my meals, try my hand at making pickles and halwas, without having to delegate this work in painful detail. I can whip up a sandwich on the days I don't feel like making an elaborate meal or put together an eclectic menu when friends drop in for an impromptu lunch. I dusted the ceiling fans this afternoon, washed my colored clothes and scrubbed the grime from the kitchen cabinets. It was tiring but when I look around to admire my handiwork, I feel happy, and proud. It is great to know that I can afford to pay someone to do these tasks, but it is more satisfying to actually do my work. There is joy in doing. There is merit in self-sufficiency. By doing my work myself, I also want to teach Aparna that there is dignity in labor. While we use the services of others to ease our lives, we should be grateful for their presence. We should be able to do those tasks ourselves as well. While delegating may look glamorous, doing it yourself brings a sense of joy that is unparalleled.

Parental narcissism

It happens quite often. Someone who meets Aparna for the first time or sees her after a long break, will say "You look just like your mother." For a teenager who is still trying to get comfortable with her own skin, that comment is as unpleasant as someone telling her that her phone is "not cool". Parents, in general, are thrilled when genetic similarities are remarked upon. Even if we don't pass on the best of our personalities, at least the superficial markings are enough to confirm our parenthood. It massages the ego, it reaffirms our exalted status as parents who brought similar-looking children into the world.

Parental narcissism, however refers to the inclination of parents to view children as extensions of themselves. In a newspaper interview, Howard Gardner, renowned developmental psychologist, reiterates that "parents should avoid positive and negative narcissism." Positive narcissism is expecting that the child will be interested in and excel at activities that the parent himself/herself preferred, such as playing the violin or a sport. The latter refers to the insistence of parents that the child excel at activities which the parent could not do, such as swimming or singing. We see children of doctor's becoming doctors. The epidemic of Indian parents wanting their children to become doctors or engineers, because they themselves could not pursue those courses of study, continues unabated across generations, even today. I wonder how many parents have considered themselves to exhibit behaviors that can be classified as positively or negatively narcissistic? And if they were told, would they behave any differently?

I have always felt that I have made much progress in my personal life largely due to the fact that I was not "labeled" at birth to fit into a preconceived category by my parents. I was free to chart the course of my life, within reason of course, but I knew that these decisions had no major bearing on my parent's wishes. It is incredibly liberating to be in a place of myriad options, as you grow into your own adult persona.

I understand my daughter's irritation at being compared to me or to her dad (most of her dads friends/relatives think she looks like him too). While she accepts her biological origin, she wants to create a separate identity, whether it is with how she appears physically, the traits she displays or the talents she expresses. She wants to explore many possibilities, some of which may be common to our preferences while others may be totally off our radar. And that is her right. Then what is the role of the parent? As Gardner says, "the challenge is to watch your children very carefully, see what interests and excites them, and find ways to help them follow that talent/passion/curiosity."

It is so much easier to dispense advice and give prescriptions to today's youth about what they need to do. It is much harder to silently observe without passing judgment, even on our children. The children have a long road ahead as they turn into good adults and responsible citizens of the world. Can we then support them by aiding them in their chosen paths, igniting in them the passion to pursue their talents even if they tread on a path unfamiliar to us? A hard test to pass!

The Descendants - Movie Review

I once saw a statement at a bookstore in Mumbai - "Don't judge a book by its movie." How true, I thought. For a book lover like me, seldom has a movie based on a book, come up to the level of the original writing. Sometimes, a picture which is supposed to be equal to a thousand words, does not do justice to the sheer beauty of the writing or depth of the story. But then, I came across "The Descendants", a contender for this year's Oscar, which made me think again. Here is a movie that makes me want to read the book. I wonder if the writing can convey in mere words, the poetry of the scenes that move you, whether the text can be true to the magnificence of the Hawaiian sunsets, whether the central character, played wonderfully well by George Clooney, can generate the same empathy in the reader.

The story is simple. It revolves around the lives of Matthew King's family as they deal with the fact that his wife, Elizabeth lies in an irreversible coma after a boating accident. Matt goes from being a self-proclaimed "back-up parent" to his two girls to being in the center of the most important events in his life. As he comes to terms with the fact that Elizabeth will never wakeup, the fact that he has no clue how to handle the girls, a major decision as trustee of his family's large parcel of land that is being considered for sale to developers, we get to see a man at the lowest point of his life. A place where he feels inadequate at every level of relationships, as husband, father, son-in-law, cousin and friend.

Clooney, despite his obvious charm, underplays the part to perfection. Holding the rapidly unraveling strings of his life, he shows grace under fire. He is not a perfect human but a good one. As he deals with all the cards that seem stacked up against him, he rises to each occasion. The blue ocean of Hawaii contrasts with the gray areas of their lives. And without even noticing the transition, we see why the movie has the title of "The Descendants". Family, linkage, legacy, trust, love, forgiveness, how do these fit into our daily lives? Do we give it any thought? Are we ruled by where we come from? Do we fear what we know or don't know? What would you do in tough situations? These questions came to my mind as I left the theater with the image of the girls dispersing the ashes in the ocean. As they mourn the loss of one parent, they find a connection with other. And that is what families are about.