Parental narcissism

It happens quite often. Someone who meets Aparna for the first time or sees her after a long break, will say "You look just like your mother." For a teenager who is still trying to get comfortable with her own skin, that comment is as unpleasant as someone telling her that her phone is "not cool". Parents, in general, are thrilled when genetic similarities are remarked upon. Even if we don't pass on the best of our personalities, at least the superficial markings are enough to confirm our parenthood. It massages the ego, it reaffirms our exalted status as parents who brought similar-looking children into the world.

Parental narcissism, however refers to the inclination of parents to view children as extensions of themselves. In a newspaper interview, Howard Gardner, renowned developmental psychologist, reiterates that "parents should avoid positive and negative narcissism." Positive narcissism is expecting that the child will be interested in and excel at activities that the parent himself/herself preferred, such as playing the violin or a sport. The latter refers to the insistence of parents that the child excel at activities which the parent could not do, such as swimming or singing. We see children of doctor's becoming doctors. The epidemic of Indian parents wanting their children to become doctors or engineers, because they themselves could not pursue those courses of study, continues unabated across generations, even today. I wonder how many parents have considered themselves to exhibit behaviors that can be classified as positively or negatively narcissistic? And if they were told, would they behave any differently?

I have always felt that I have made much progress in my personal life largely due to the fact that I was not "labeled" at birth to fit into a preconceived category by my parents. I was free to chart the course of my life, within reason of course, but I knew that these decisions had no major bearing on my parent's wishes. It is incredibly liberating to be in a place of myriad options, as you grow into your own adult persona.

I understand my daughter's irritation at being compared to me or to her dad (most of her dads friends/relatives think she looks like him too). While she accepts her biological origin, she wants to create a separate identity, whether it is with how she appears physically, the traits she displays or the talents she expresses. She wants to explore many possibilities, some of which may be common to our preferences while others may be totally off our radar. And that is her right. Then what is the role of the parent? As Gardner says, "the challenge is to watch your children very carefully, see what interests and excites them, and find ways to help them follow that talent/passion/curiosity."

It is so much easier to dispense advice and give prescriptions to today's youth about what they need to do. It is much harder to silently observe without passing judgment, even on our children. The children have a long road ahead as they turn into good adults and responsible citizens of the world. Can we then support them by aiding them in their chosen paths, igniting in them the passion to pursue their talents even if they tread on a path unfamiliar to us? A hard test to pass!