Book review - Committed

Let me say upfront that it is not fair to judge a book (or movie) by its predecessor. Very often, our expectation from books written by authors that we have enjoyed before are not met by their subsequent books. It is as much the fault of the reader as of the author. We assume too much about a product (say a book or movie) by the prevailing hype and it is almost impossible for it to scale the mountain of our hopes to occupy the high pedestal on which we want them to be placed. “Committed” is one such book be celebrated author Elizabeth Gilbert, famous for her previous bestseller, “Eat, Pray, Love”, of which over 5 million copies have been sold and soon to be made into a movie starring none other than Julia Roberts.

Although Gilbert has written other books before, her most successful book was Eat Pray Love, which I enjoyed tremendously. Committed, in some way, is a sequel to the previous book since it deals with Gilbert’s feelings towards marrying the person she meets in Bali. She is very sure of her love for Felipe, the Brazilian-born Australian older man in her life; it is the institution of marriage itself that scares her. Both Felipe and Gilbert are ambivalent towards remarriage, after having undergone painful divorces. Therefore what Gilbert offers in 285 pages is another memoir (with extra socio-historical bonus sections!), her systematic study of marriage in all its forms and its evolution in Western society over the ages. With eight long chapters with titles such as Marriage and Surprises, Marriage and Infatuation, Marriage and Autonomy, she describes and debates the role of marriage in society, its effect on women, in particular and put these subjects in the context of her own personal situation. Her situation, I must mention, is a deadline imposed by the Department of Homeland Security for the two of them to tie the knot in order to bring Felipe into the country, legally and forever.

Gilbert manages to keep her sense of humor as in the previous book but never gets to being really funny. The self-deprecation which lightened the tone of the serious issues she tackled previously is missing from this heavy and serious tome. It is just a lot of self-centered, mostly imaginary angst that the readers are subjected to. It was very hard for me to feel any degree of empathy for the author as she struggles to measure her “marriage-readiness’ or worthiness of marriage itself. At some point, I fast-forwarded to the last chapter to see how the book ended, which was quite predictable. Whether you take the step of marriage with a great deal of thought (and a book to prove it) or wander into the institution unawares, it is a question of individual choice. Perhaps Gilbert herself caught the gist of this when she writes in the context of motherhood, after interviewing several mothers, “… there wasn’t a pattern. There was just a whole bunch of smart women trying to work things out on their own terms, trying to navigate somehow by their own instincts.”

If you want to study the subject of marriage, either as someone who is contemplating marriage in the near future or just curious about it, perhaps you might consider going through this contemporary thesis on an old institution.

Lessons from loss

“The naked man fears no thieves.” I don’t remember where I read this line but this is what struck me as I went shopping with a friend yesterday. I had my purse with me. It contained my Blackberry, hair brush, business cards, car keys, sunglasses, lip balm, a pen, some coins but did not contain my wallet – so I had no cash, no credit cards and no debit cards. And I was at Inorbit Mall. How you ask?

I had not left my wallet at home. It was stolen earlier in the morning. At the temple, to be precise. I was standing in line for darshan, the temple was crowded on account of Ram Navami but the line was orderly and moving quickly. I took my wallet out to take some money for the hundi and promptly put it back into my purse and closed the zip. I was ten steps away from God. By the time I had darshan and turned around, my hand protectively went to my purse which I discovered, was open. I peeked in and knew without checking that the wallet was gone. Everything else was untouched. So I had been robbed, in full view of God, in those ten seconds that I had my guard down. I spoke to the policeman on festival duty at the temple, I asked the temple manager to notify me if they found anything. But I know it is impossible to trace the perpetrator and the stolen item.

I did everything I needed to, called up the banks and the cards. I felt stupid, guilty, angry, helpless; all at the same time. I wondered what I had thought or done to deserve this experience, whether I was settling some karmic account. I was also a little amused at how easy I had made it for the thief. I felt grateful when a kind stranger walked up to me and asked if I needed to be dropped home or needed money to head back. I remembered the last time I had been through such an experience, at Trafalgar Square in London. The policeman to whom I complained sought to make me feel better by saying that this kind of things happens every three minutes.

What have I learnt from this lesson? Life happens. I had been ambivalent about the temple visit all morning but went in anyway. I had also had a premonition in a vivid dream just a few hours before the incident. So the prior warning did not necessarily help. I just felt a sense of déjà vu when it did happen in real life. I was lucky to have been with friends who lived in the neighborhood. I was able to block the cards fairly quickly and hope to get the replacements soon. I had the keys to my car so I could have directly gone home if I wanted to. There were unknown people who cared enough to enquire. There is always a way out.

Perhaps the biggest lesson for me is to trust my intuition. But I also know that I am not an inherently suspicious person. I did expect to be safe in the temple but events transpired otherwise. As my friend Shailaja put it, there were other guys praying while waiting in line, just like you. And their prayers were answered.

Someday, mine will be too.

Teaching and learning

I just finished another workshop last weekend. Trying to conduct training, for a roomful of working professionals is interesting, to say the least. Quite often, the participants are there because they want to learn and their organization has been kind enough to pay for the session. Occasionally a student or newcomer who is eager to learn shows up. But more often, people come because their boss made them. And in every class, there is at least one person who thinks he knows everything (usually a “he”).

When you first begin to conceptualize the topic of the workshop and draft an agenda, the prospective composition of the audience is definitely in your frame of reference. It is best to build up a logical sequence to the topics you want to cover during the day. Then figuring out the mode of communicating the necessary information to the audience is the hard part. Usually once these steps are done, the content flows in pretty easily, if, and only if, the subject is one where you are an expert. Otherwise there is an additional step of educating yourself first.

In addition to subject knowledge, you need some time to figure out venue, pricing, logistics and the small details that can grow big really fast, if you ignore them till the end. What takes the most energy is the marketing of such training workshop. Sending it to your entire network of colleagues, past and present, all the business cards in your collection, posting the message on email groups, and other social media sites is imperative in this day of electronic communication. So you hit the send button to the large email list you have compiled. Immediately you receive emails – mostly failure notices, sometime automatic out of office replies. Then you wait. You start receiving promising emails from interested companies asking for more information. Then you wait some more. Usually by this time, the genuinely interested ones have already signed up. But the numbers grow slowly. Then comes the time to remind the early birds who had shown interest. By this time, these birds have flown, usually with some flimsy excuse.

I have been quite lucky in filling up my workshops (particularly the ones I do with my friend Anupama) so that ceases to be a worry after a few days. As the countdown begins, there are a lot of errands that need to be done, invoices to be made, further information to be communicated to the participants etc. And eventually it is D-day, time to get the show on the road.

The day goes by quickly. Everything works (except for the LCD projector which likes to doze off periodically). The participants actually participate. Feedback is good (including the one about lunch) but with opposite viewpoints expressed by some who want more visual presentation while others who want more engaging interaction. The hard nuts in the audience also crack a smile, the young enthusiasts look even more enthusiastic and the most distant (and experienced) person joins in the discussion. So it is a success. Everyone feels they have learnt something. I am sure I have learnt the most.

And that is why, once I recover from this workshop, I will plan the next one. Soon.

Work-life balance

The first time I heard the phrase “work-life balance” was during the first year of my job. My boss was on the committee that had been asked to figure out ways to improve work-life balance of employees. This was more than a decade ago and in California (both seem really far right now). While I did not appreciate the significance of the term then, I certainly became an ardent seeker of balance once my daughter was born. Juggling between work and home and doing justice to both roles was really tiring. It seemed to be always on the brink, under the influence of a whole host of factors, variables and equations which threatened to not just control me but completely take over my sanity.

So I tried to logically find a solution. I read about work-life balance, I talked to other women in the same situation; I attended seminars on this topic and generally attempted to put together a balance strategy. At a seminar, one woman expressed the view that striving for balance was not the right approach. Trying to cut down on the things you do, in order to feel less stressed was what most people did. But instead, one should find things to do that bring more meaning to your life. For me, in those days, time was the most precious commodity (followed closely by energy), so her statement didn’t make sense. How could I possibly find time to do even one more thing? There were times when I felt like quitting everything!

The years have passed and even now there are things I need to do and things I want to do, but only so much time. But when I look back on the intervening years, I realized that I did find time to fit in at least one thing I wanted to do, amidst all the other hectic activities. Somehow, I was able to rearrange priorities or assemble a support group to enable me to pursue it. And those are the things that I am proud of having done, those that stand out in memory, apart from all the minutiae.

Recently I came across a book “Find your strongest life” by Marcus Buckingham where I came across a similar sentiment. The author argues that women should look into their life and relive those moments that reinforce your strongest tendencies; instead of balance, he says, reach for fullness. I think I understand the concept now. The word balance implies a sense of equilibrium, but also conveys stillness, stagnation. One needs to move to feel alive, so move in the direction of what makes you feel good. And that may mean, adding one more item to your to-do list.

So take a look at what you love doing and put it on top of your list.
 

Maintenance

One of the things I promised to do at the beginning of the year was to get a medical checkup. I had been lucky the last few years, since the companies I worked for required mandatory annual health checkups for all employees. Not only did the company pay for it but also let you complete the tests on a weekday. So you got a day off from work, to attend to preventive maintenance (diagnosis is more apt I guess) of your body. I did not think much about this perk until the time came for me to put this on my list of things to do. I thought about getting a checkup done every once in a while but did not get around to doing it. And two years went by, three if you look at the actual date of the last company paid checkup.

Fortunately, events transpired to throw all my excuses out the window – a diagnostic company came to the colony I live in and offered complete blood test and ECG, very conveniently on a weekend and at 40% of the list price. Then came cancer awareness week and women’s day which prompted the neighborhood hospital to offer the other diagnostics I was interested in, at a special price, for a whole week. So I could not argue on time, cost or proximity. The only battle then was with priority. As I mentioned in a previous blog, I am equally guilty of prioritizing everything else while putting myself last. So I thought a paradigm shift was in order and underwent all the tests, no matter how unpalatable the experience (anyone who has undergone a mammogram will share my view). Results are in and as put so succinctly by the 3 idiots, “aal izz well”.

All this happened along with some minor problems with my car, an accelerator that behaved like a stubborn toddler, refusing to move when you first start the engine and gears that were a little hard to shift. With the onset of the hot summer days, I wanted to ensure that the air conditioning worked adequately. The list was long enough to require a trip to the garage for servicing and I promptly prioritized it. Now that the car is back and the owner/driver has also been given a clean chit, look forward to seeing both of us on the road.

Something different

Last week I attended a book launch. I know the author of the newly published novel “If you love someone”, Harimohan Paruvu, and just as he wanted all his friends to show up for the Hyderabad launch at Landmark bookstore, I wanted to see what a book launch was all about. Who knows, I may be the celebrated author at my own book launch in the near future?

It turned out to be a fun experience, to formally shake hands and congratulate someone you know but who is now the central figure, at least for the evening. About a hundred people showed up, many of whom were genuinely interested in the book (or curious about the author). And then there were the media people – not the hotshot TV anchors, but hordes of cameramen with their unwieldy equipment which blocked the view of the panel that had the task of officially launching the book. I was surprised at first at the hullabaloo caused by the visual media monsters and wondered why they were covering what should have been an intellectual, literary evening until I saw the panelists. The special invitees were movie stars. The evening began with a young, dynamic and articulate director giving his take on not just the book but also perspectives on Hari, the author. There were readings from a few significant passages in the book and brief Q & A before the crowd gathered to get copies signed by the author. I already had a copy signed by Hari, so we left.

Writing is such a solitary occupation, bringing thoughts to words, stringing words into sentences and assembling concepts into coherent creations. I always thoughts that great writers of epic stories such as Gone with the Wind, must have been recluses, far removed from reality, who had to immerse themselves into their writing in order to create these classics and thus becoming unsuitable for trivial pursuits such as socializing with fellow humans. Therefore I felt heartened to see the large group of supporters who showed up on a Friday evening to be there for Hari when it was time for his creation to be unveiled. He had certainly not lost touch with his family and friends, a characteristic which I feel is essential for a writer. Only if you are grounded into reality can you capture an authentic experience for others to savor.

So the whole book launch experience was a good one for me and like Anjali, Hari’s two year old daughter who was excitedly jumping about at Landmark, I am ready for another book launch.

Women Power

I have always believed that women are capable of great things. There is enough public proof with lists of women who have achieved success in all spheres of life. I also strongly believe that a group of women have the ability to change the world… if only they put their mind to it, once all the other work is done, the family taken care of, the dog fed, the cupboards organized; and after attending to all the other myriad chores and responsibilities that occupy their waking hours.

I decided to invite a few friends to my neighborhood bookstore cum library for a little get together on the eve of Women’s Day. I emailed about 8 women friends with an open invitation to bring along friends who may like to be part of this gathering. Only 5 showed up, the others had excuses which did not sound too convincing. Nevertheless, the ones who did show up are to be commended for prioritizing a social gathering with like-minded women, a meeting with no agenda or expectations, an event where you did not have to dress-up or please anyone or fear the feedback after the event.

We spent about two hours in the library sharing a few laughs, took pictures, ate samosas and cake and just hung out. There wasn’t much discussion about kids or specifics of our work. We supported those who were in the midst of a career change. We fantasized about exotic vacations. All of us were pleased to be surrounded by books. It was a relaxing evening.

As we dispersed with a promise of meeting again, I wondered why we women behave so strangely when it comes to prioritizing ourselves. If we had to attend a business dinner that was essential to stay in the rat race, if we had to drive through town to show up at a wedding reception of a distant relative, or if we just had to buy those necessary vegetables, we would find time and delve into the last of our resources to do what we think is needed. But when there is a chance to do something that is just for ourselves, we feel guilty about it. When the pile of things to do keeps increasing, taking some time out for self seems like an indulgence. But the fact remains that if you cannot be responsible to self, it is harder to be responsible for others, with a clear conscience.

There are only a few pleasures in life that give you more comfort than the support of good friends. It is so rejuvenating to be in midst of easy, undemanding camaraderie. A break from the routine grind of deadlines and chores actually helps you focus better on the household once you get your batteries charged in a soothing environment. But tapping into the alternate source of energy requires some effort – the effort of breaking free of the familiar drudgery and being open to the possibility that a meeting with known and unknown fellow women may actually be good for the soul.

I am sure that successful women all over the world have figured out the key to having it all lies in the ability to make time for yourself.

Book review - If you love someone...

As the name suggests, the book is a romance novel but as I read eagerly through the pages, I realized that is was not a romantic novel in the traditional sense. Yes, there is girl (Meghna) meets boy (Aditya) and marries boy (Pankaj) and although that reads like a love triangle, it is not a story of two guys vying for the attention of the central girl character. In fact it is difficult to label the book into a standard slot. The book tells the story of Meghna, an exuberant, extrovert college girl in Bombay. She is confident, articulate and intelligent, and very real, bringing to mind someone we may all have known in our own youth. She knows her worth and has plans for her life that are not necessarily endorsed by her doting parents. A chance encounter with Aditya, a young rebel with socialistic leanings at an inter-college debate where they publicly spar on the topic of capitalism vs communism marks a turning point in her life. This is followed by three enchanting days in his company at Goa, an experience which marks her for the rest of her life.

Meghna then goes on to have a life that seems perfect and complete in every way - a rich husband, two lovely kids, supportive in-laws, a reliable group of friends and work that makes her happy. But the emptiness that she sees in herself, the growing discontent with the status quo, no matter how comfortable it appears on the outside is what she battles with. And then comes a point three decades after that fateful meeting in Goa, when she has a chance to keep her promise to meet Aditya in Goa. The book takes a look at what happens to established marital relationships which continue solely based on assumptions about the spouse and how even the most congenial relationships falter when the past appears unexpectedly.

The book is an easy read and moves quickly though the lives of the Meghna and her family. There are some lovely, poetic descriptions of Goa and profound passages of the discussions between Meghna and Aditya. But in the second half there are places where the author hits the right notes as to how women get labeled – when a friend remarks that only one of their group of four has not “settled down” meaning married with children. At that time, Meghna, who is already blessed with two kids, thinks to herself that she is also “not settled” – her private opinion of herself, so much in contrast with the prevailing public sentiment. Much later, Meghna muses about how many women seem relieved when their husbands die or they get divorced – a thought that is not voiced out aloud by women, although pondered upon quite often. My favorite paragraph is the one where Meghna wonders how Aditya might have changed in the intervening years –“Like things lose their magic when you grow up, old schools that appear small and cramped, old homes that appear ugly and unkempt, old loves that appear ordinary, old people who have no smiles left.”

The character of Aditya is enigmatic even as the details that appear to explain his unconventional behavior are revealed. But his name is not just a metaphor for the rising sun who brings warmth and laughter into Meghna’s life but also is a symbol of what we all need for inspiration to break from the self-imposed barriers of our life. We can reinvent ourselves through a mere memory of a time gone by, a simple word of encouragement, a personal talent that brings joy, a seed of something that is already and always within us, as long as we are willing to experience it.“If you love someone…” tells you that simply, and compellingly.