Life lessons - from teenage kids

Many years ago, in a small apartment in Mumbai, I lived with my two brothers, mother and grandmother. My father was posted in small town and felt it was better to leave three teenagers in the care of my mother in order to not interfere with our education during the critical years. For a long period of 11 years, my mother suffered with each of us as we went from 13 to 19 and turned into adults. I wonder how she did it. Specially on those days when I am having a hard time with my one and only teenage daughter.

Ask any parent of a teenager today and you will find pain, tears, frustration, helplessness, anger. Ask any teenager how they feel - they will tell you about helplessness, frustration, anger, pain, tears. Both sides experience the same feelings although one is in the role of a powerful parent while the other is the manipulative teenager. The amazing fact is that every parent has been a teenager at some point and empathy should be a large part of the parenting process. But there seems to a selective amnesia that the parent chooses to exercise and repeats a lot of the same mistakes their own parents made.

I think back to what my mother did in those turbulent time. She is no longer in this plane to guide me. How did she keep her sanity? How did she deal with unreasonable requests, uncouth behavior and general non-cooperation that dominated most of our days? We survived. And thrived. So did she. I think she started dealing with this issue on two counts. First - she did not overtly worry about the dreaded "teenage" phase. Second, she trusted us. She told us repeatedly that we were good kids, long before we turned into surly teenage brats. She told us we were her true treasures. She calmly responded to my incessant questioning rationally. Very rarely did she pull rank and say "because I am the Mom". She knew we would rebel but ultimately make the right choice. She gave us a long rope. She kept her cool. She was genuinely interested in our lives, our friends, our school and college stories. She maintained a sense of humor. I am sure there were days when she was tired and one was us was pushing her buttons. She must have lost her temper and given us an earful. But she was always there for us. Like the daily sunshine and Mumbai humidity.

My personal experience has been one of continuing amazement that my daughter is a wonderful 100% reflection of whatever I am feeling or thinking at that moment. When I am feeling peaceful and grateful, I am showered with affection. When I am stressed and feeling generally "blah" about life, she gives me more chances to feel worse. I have finally figured out how to change the dynamic. I can restore peace in the home by restoring peace within myself. Sometimes that requires me to just slow down. Sometimes I need to meditate. Other times, ice-cream works.

I have now changed my thoughts about "teenagerhood" as a tough phase. I know it is an essential phase of her growing up and each year is special to me as I see my little bird testing her wings in the world. I want to be a part of it. I want to build a stable nest for her and enable the growth of strong wings so she can fly high. It is an intense period of learning for me as well. So we keep moving, through trial and error, in search of equilibrium. It is not easy but as with most things in life, keeping a sense of humor helps.

Here is a funny link to "The Mom Song" on Youtube. Pay close attention to the lyrics. And if the link does not work, please google it. It's hilarious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXgoJ0f5EsQ