Clear answers

I missed my mother today. She passed away more than four years ago. I sense her absence often but miss her acutely on some days. Today was one such day.

Did something happen to trigger the feeling? Was I in need of advice? A lecture perhaps? A prescription to fix what was ailing me? Is there a pattern that I can discern in this occasional feeling of melancholy that grabs me and punches me hard in the abdomen when I feel the void? No clear answer comes to mind.

My mother and I grew close over the years but had a tumultuous relationship in my growing years. In many ways we were like chalk and cheese - she was a quiet diplomatic woman while I was an outspoken firebrand. She was a quintessential homemaker while I was the flag-waving activist. I looked outwards to conquer the world while she had the internal stillness that everyone craves for. Was she perfect? No. Was I flawed? Perhaps.

But she was always there for me. To discuss, to debate, to discover. To observe, to object. To understand. Very often our stands on most issues were contrary. But from this divergent viewpoint, we would speak - freely and without fear of judgment. Seldom did we get converted to the others viewpoint, but we always listened. Vexing questions, weighty decisions, huge obstacles, we wrestled with them all. As I became an adult, she did not tell me what to do, but showed what the consequences of my actions could be, leaving me alone to decide. All the practice made it easy for me when I did have to take major steps in life.

We are always at crossroads in life, some minor, some major. There are clues, and people to guide, but choose you must for you alone will walk that path. It is simpler to listen to those well-wishers who speak loudest and with the most conviction or to the majority. But who will be the contrarian then? The soft-spoken voice of reason. The one who flips over the coin to show the other side? Mother was that divergent voice for me. The one I had to work hardest to convince and in doing that I would convince myself.

So when no clear answer comes to mind. That is when I miss her the most. Like today.